Parts of an Elephant

Have you ever heard that story of the six blind men who describe an elephant? The one where they each describe a part, but none figure out that it is an elephant? I was reading today in a book called Fully Present and in a daily devotional by Richard Rohr. The combination of the two started me thinking...

Richard Rohr wrote

Transformation of consciousness is this: We must be liberated from ourselves as the reference point for reality, stating our preferences moment by moment and making mental commentaries on every event—up or down. It really does not matter whether we like it or not—it just is. A spiritually transformed person stops looking at reality as an object, or even God as an object for my consumption. God becomes the co-seer with us, not the seen.

and "Fully Present" wrote about how focusing on parts of the elephant keep us from being aware of, or experiencing, or being present to, the whole.

I started thinking back over my journey of most of my adult life (with an increased intensity in the last two years) to know myself. Who is me? What does it mean to be Vicki? What do I like? What don't I like? What do I feel? Why do I feel that? What do I like? But today I realized (maybe for the first time, maybe not) that it is possible to know and describe all the parts of me, but to still not know me. Like it is possible to describe six different parts of an elephant and still not know the elephant. So, I may know the answers to all of those questions and still not know me. Or, conversely, I may not be able to describe the elephant and still be able to experience the presence of the elephant. I may not be able to tell you all the details about me, but still have a depth of understanding of the dynamic tensions and emotions and experiences and passions and paradoxes that are me.

I think that lately, I have become to focussed on my 'piece of the elephant.' I have spent too much time thinking about what I feel, what I like and what I want. None of it out of a selfish desire-- but just trying to know myself in order to be less of a people pleaser and more of me. I have been befuddled by my feelings of decreasing maturity and increasing selfishness. Wasn't I supposed to know me? Don't I have to know me to be me? Shouldn't I be able to describe things about me? I have fought hard against being a people pleaser, yet don't really feel like I have gained what I was aiming for. I sometimes feel like I have lost parts of me in my attempts to find all of me. I hate spending so much time of what I feel and what I want. Maybe the pendulum had to swing because I spent so little time growing up getting to know myself, but it has made me feel small and childish.

But today, I might have fit some pieces together in a new way. Maybe I have been focusing too much on knowing the parts of the elephant rather than just experiencing it. Maybe I needed to realize a little bit what the parts of me are, but spent more time experiencing the whole. Like, I need to sit with the elephant of me and breathe in its smell, bask in its shadow, feel its presence beside me and also know that it has a trunk, a bunch of legs and a tail. And it needs to be all of those in order to know an elephant. So, now I know what I feel in situations and I have a better idea of what I like and don't like, but I want to learn to sit with me and be aware. To be overwhelmed and underwhelmed by my humanity. To be liberated from myself as a reference point of reality. I want more of that me. I want to experience me as a whole-- not just the parts.

And mostly, I want to see with God. I want to unobjectify reality. I want to rest in the wholeness of being. The potential of the depth of my experiencing excites me. Thank God for new days, new understandings and new glimpses of what can be!

And maybe now, maybe I get it a little more. interesting things to think about...

Big news!!!

To all the friends and family who have been part of this journey with us,

Jeffery Jonathan Coleman and Vicki Lin Vaags are proud to announce that we are engaged!

We are so excited to be taking this next step together after four years of dating, and we are so thankful for the many people who have walked alongside us through it.  Our plan is to have a small, intimate wedding before the Colemans leave to go back to Ethiopia at the end of June; and then a larger reception in the fall so that our many friends and relatives will have a chance to celebrate this momentous occasion with us.

For all those who have asked: we are combining two households’ worth of things into a cozy apartment already, so we have only a very short gift list at www.just1registry.com/jeffandvicki but financial gifts will also be put to good use and bitcoin gifts are welcome at:
1G9KMLsAWEvxicqqmCVxHEpuabKbi3JTF4

Thank you so much for all the prayer and support that has enabled us to step confidently into this next adventure!  We may be consumed with details for the next couple of weeks, but we are eager to share our excitement with you all as we’re able.

Happily,
Jeff and Vicki

The Timing of Life

Life has left me a little breathless again this week. How does it keep sneaking up on me like that? I feel like the first four months of this year were amazing in ways that words cannot express. Amazing in the places that they brought me- the depths of my soul and my sorrow that I explored, lived and learned in. Amazing in the pieces of me that I saw, loved and cherished for the first time. Amazing in all the new pieces of seeing that seemed to daily surprise and inspire me. It was such a rich, excruciating, blessed time. And it was a time that I wanted to keep going on, in many ways. The pain hurt as hard lessons were learned and loss was faced, but it was such a strong teacher, that I was willing to keep it. It forced me into an awareness of my self, my soul, my 'ness', that I never wanted to let go of.

But life has moved on-- in many good ways! My loss has reversed and is such a beautiful opportunity to learn and love again. My job is less busy and, in fact, I now have two jobs. I am subbing in the wsd1 school division, which took a lot of time to get into. And, to top it all off, my energy is increasing, so I have worked two weeks of close to 40 hours each, had something up almost every night for two weeks, and I am still standing! (okay, well I actually and sitting and just had a little nap, but the list could have never been that long a couple of weeks ago!) It seems like my life is putting itself back together.

And yet, I feel like I am not ready for that. I am not ready to leave the place of depth and soul searching and finding. I am not ready to say good bye to the strong sadness and mourning that became my close friends. But life is moving on, and it feels like I am holding on to the edges of it again. I am out of the place where each day holds an experience of beauty. I am out of the place where my energy levels force me to rest and just be and be well. How do I integrate back? Of course, I never wanted to be tired forever or sad forever, but now what? How do I maintain what I have learned plus have energy?

I haven't come up with any answers, but maybe that is okay. Maybe I need to jump off this stage in the journey of life with gusto and trust that, no matter what, God will catch me and keep me along the way. Maybe I need to develop tangible patterns of wellness that keep me mindful, conscious and whole to ward off the fears, pressures and demands that stay at the edges of my mind, ready to pounce given any opportunity. Maybe this is what life is. Ebb and flow. Loss and renewal. Love and hope and peace beside suffering and tragedy.

Life is life.
It is what it is.
And, above all,
it is good.
What a blessing it is,
no matter the timing,
to live in this day,
in this moment,
with this life,
as me.

What a blessing it is
to choose
to be.

But Who Will Roll the Stone Away?

Last week, my pastor's message included a brief focus on the phrase "But who will roll away the stone?" and it has been tumbling in my head all week. In the resurrection story, some ladies are walking to put spices on Jesus' body and, as they walk, they realize that there is a really large rock, heavier than they can manage, in front of the entrance- rendering their plan impossible. Yet, they apparently kept walking.

As I think of the question they ask themselves "But, who will roll the stone away?" I imagine the hopelessness that they feel. Shock was starting to wear off, maybe the numbness after extreme loss was lessening and the impact of this new reality- this Jesus-less reality- was setting in. Maybe they walked, hoping for a miracle, or maybe they walked with dread- having to face the body of someone they loved and had such high hopes for. Maybe as they walked, they saw other crucified bodies hanging on the roadside- a stark reminder that Jesus didn't save the day. That the Roman occupation still held strong. That life, after all, held too much sadness to be contained in one human heart. Their hopes were dashed, their dreams were snatched and the way forward was allusive. One foot in front of the other, they could at least do this. They could at least honour their loved one in this tradition. They sweeten the reality of death with their spices. They could at least do that.

I imagine as they walked, wanting to do this good thing, that their feet lost strength for a second as they realized that, once again, they would be powerless to do this good thing. They could not even roll away the stone. Their mere humanity failed them again. They could not do what needed to be done.

I feel like I imagine these ladies did- I feel like I have faced death and found myself inadequate. While I did not lose something tangible, I lost. I faced the feeling of not being enough time after time. I fought to change. I fought the ugliness I saw inside myself. I fought to think different. To be different. To feel different. And the harder I tried, the harder I fell. Even to put these words to it seems like it doesn't tell you what it was really like. And I tried so hard to hold on to what I thought was the good in me while rejecting all the things I was trying to get rid of.

These last couple of years, more particularly, these last couple of months, have shown me my ugliness. I no longer could control everything inside of me to fit my picture of 'being good' and found so much inside of myself that I could not fight. For the first time in my life, I knew without a shadow of a doubt, that I was not enough. I felt so abandoned by God- how could he leave me in this mess. Couldn't he see that all I wanted was to please him? Couldn't he see that all the things I wanted were good things? I didn't want success, or stuff, or all those shallow things that 'others' wanted. I wanted world peace, justice, love and truth! Why was he not giving what I needed to get that done!? I could rarely sing because being at church brought me to a place in my soul that I rarely touched during the week and I just felt lonely, abandoned and inadequate. I fought to be better, lovelier and more loveable and instead came face to face with myself. All of it. I couldn't hide the pieces I didn't want anymore and holding them felt like burning my soul.

My heart echoed the hopelessness as I stared inside myself and knew that I had exhausted my resources and it was not enough. My soul knows the losing strength of step that came when one realizes there is something in the way- something bigger than me that was still part of me.

Who will roll away my stone? Who will help me find life anew? Who will love me when I feel so unlovable? How can I ever be enough?

You know what? Those ladies never developed super strength to roll away the stone. They didn't come up with a strategy or get together a band of super strong men to conquer it. Maybe they didn't even pray about it. They didn't roll the stone away. They couldn't.

But God took care of it.
The stone didn't disappear.
It just got moved out of the way.
And that ladies just had to put one foot in front of the other to get to the tomb. They didn't have to move the stone.

Ahhhh... grace.

Things I Love About my Home

1. It is mine.
2. It is cozy.
3. It feels like home.
4. I can be alone.
5. I have tonnes of cupboards.
6. The ladybug population is so far outnumbering the visible bed bug population.
7. I can lay on the floor and look out the window and see only sky.
8. I can soak in the sun in the middle of the afternoon in my living room.
9. I can see the sunset in the distance through the trees.
10. I can see the roof top of an old school when sitting at my table, which makes it feel quaint.
11. It is a roof over my head.
12. It is safe.
13. It has a call up system that works!
14. My heating bill is going to be really, really low.
15. It is so quiet, I can hear my clock tick, but there is enough noise in the apartment to know I am not actually alone.
16. I can hear the firetrucks, which reminds me that people dedicate their lives to protecting others.
17. I can walk to Safeway in four minutes.
18. I am close to two major bus routes.
19. My neighbors are super silent (haven't heard them yet)
20. My caretakers care.
21. It is a place of safety for my heart and soul.

ahhh... I love my little place.

"Getting Away with it"

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of being in charge of my 6 and 8 year old siblings. They are an energetic and inspiring pair and I absolutely cherish the time I get to spend with them. My 8 year old sister is starting to become the book worm that has been blooming in her since she was 1 (no joke- she has loved books forever!). It used to be that the pictures enraptured her and she could sit for hours flipping through pictures. Then spoken stories became riveting. She loved being read to or listening to stories on tape. Now, she is diving into the world of written text. And she has worked her butt off to get there! I had the pleasure of sitting in the living room, reading my own book, and peaking over the top to just watch her. Her long legs flopped over one side of the lazy boy chairs with her head resting on the other. Her mouth often moving as she worked through the words on the page. Her obvious engrossment in the story of beauty and the beast along with an occasional smile at something in the plot. It filled my heart to see such a beautiful thing. I love to be witness to the progression of learning- to be part of the story and see the success. Sometimes as a teacher, a year isn't long enough to get past the struggle of reading or a topic in math, so it is an extra special blessing that I get to see my cherished sister take her steps into the world of learning and words.

Another highlight was making cookies to decorate. While rummaging through mom's cupboards (i have no idea why she was) my sister found a bunch of icing in little squeeze tubes. Since they had no idea what they were, I promptly demonstrated by drawing on them and telling them to lick-- I think they thought I might get in trouble for that one! We came up with the plan to make cookies to decorate with these new fangled icing things and in the course of our discussion, I asked if mom had plans for the icing. Neither of the two knew, so I nonchalantly said "Well, then I guess we can use them."
My brother said "maybe we shouldn't cuz we might get in trouble."
"Well," I said, "I think it should be okay. And you won't get in trouble because I am in charge. And I can use them without getting in trouble." Thinking that my logic was good because I was obviously the one in charge right now and just am beyond the 'get in trouble' stage with my mom. But apparently that didn't fit in my brother's mind. His eyes got big and filled with horror
"That would be bad because then you would get away with it!" as if getting away with it was the worst thing in the world. Ahhh... I love the sweetness of six year olds. And the fact that I can "get away with it."

For One Who is Exhausted

For One Who is Exhausted
John O’Donohue

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like endless, increasing weight.

The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.

The tide you never valued has gone out,
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken in the rush of days.

At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have travelled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit,
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.

©John O’Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us (New York: Doubleday, 2008), p.125, 126.

Compassion Fatigue

A couple years ago, near the time that I quit teaching, my school in conjunction with Inner City Youth Alive hosted a professional development day on Compassion Fatigue. Sorting through my stuff today as I organize myself into my new space, I found the notes that I took and remembered how important this topic is. (Plus, I want to use the notebook for something else so then I want to throw these pages out so if I write them on here, then they are forever immortalized. :) )

Dr. Chris Marchand from Providence College presented based on his thesis. Here are some of the things that I wrote down.

Questions to ask yourself...

... Am I taking care of myself well enough to do this kind of work?
... Do I offer myself the same kind of compassion that I offer to those 'in need'?
... When do I slow down to just sit with the reality of my vulnerability?

I remember hearing those questions and answering no, no and never. It is nice to look at them now and be able to answer yes, yes, and often. I feel like I am building stronger blocks in my structure of life that will serve me better than my last set did.

Compassion fatigues is the natural behaviors and emotions resulting from secondary traumatic stress, which is defined as: the stress associated with helping or wanting to help a traumatized or suffering person resulting in a reduced capacity or interest in being empathetic. Although it may lead to burnout, it can emerge suddenly and without warning. Compassion fatigue can happen in one day without any building up to in. It often presents in the ability to 'shut down' (thoughts, actions, etc.). It is interesting to note that secondary traumatic stress can occur simply though exposure of knowledge. The 'helper' can experience parallel emotional behaviors of the primary trauma survivors. It is important to remember that trauma is contagious if one is not careful.

So what does 'being careful' look like? How do I live a life of loving others in a world full of trauma, pain, unrealistic and unhealthy societal patterns and expectations and still be whole, full and healthy? Here are some things that were suggested at this conference.

1) Be realistic: recognize your superhero tendencies (listen to the language you use).
2) Practice self-awareness: pay attention to yourself, be present in the moment!
3) Set limits on care-giving: Care-giving is a gift you give, not something taken from you.
4) Understand your personal vulnerabilities: What 'ignites' you?
5) Be prepared for disruption of your world view and your theological equilibrium. You will begin to see the world through the eyes of those around you.
6) Refresh: find out what brings your joy and meaning and take ample time to do those things.
7) When you feel stuck, have compassion on yourself and give yourself the time to go slow.

Times have changed for me since I first heard this. I was in the process of burning out, but didn't have the time to do it while teaching so once I quit, the full force of my burn out hit hard. But, I think I am getting better. Better enough to venture back into the classroom- a little at least. I did my first subbing this week at a local high school and had fun doing it. I pretended that I thought the students were doing meaningful work while they pretended to do it and that was okay (the worksheets left for me were uninspiring plus I don't know anything about bromelain, enzymes or collagen!). So for any of you who read about compassion fatigue and it hits home, I encourage you to take care of yourself. The alternative isn't very pretty.

Polarity and Politics

I have been thinking about politics lately (and then I shake my head and laugh because I am thinking about politics!). I am part of a social justice group that focuses on social justice in education (both teaching and pursuing). With two upcoming elections, there has been a lot of talk about strategies for educating people on the need to vote and what each party stands for. At the last meeting, we put together a sub committee to come up with some education, discussion points thing (kinda hard to describe) and I volunteered to join this group of highly knowledgeable, informed, and political people! I joined as the apathetic one so I embraced the role of not knowing all the party lines and words and issues and lingo and just telling the group if the message would get through to people like me. So anyways, I had a morning meeting this week that was spent talking about the woes of the country, the government and trying to come up with something that would encourage people to vote. Given the nature of the group, I am sure that you can extrapolate that there wasn't a lot of love for the current government's choices and priorities (or conduct for that matter).

And it got me to thinking... what are the answers to the woes of the country? If the conservative government loses power and liberal or NDP get in- then what? Then those who support the conservatives will work to bring down whatever government is in power. The media will paint the leader to be a villain or a hero, but never just a human. Their will be debates that call into every word that comes out of his/her mouth so that our leader has to be on guard at every moment. This system doesn't work! When is the last time people listened to each other in politics, at least when has that been portrayed? When have the people who want more money for jails sat down with people who want more money for prevention programs (youth programs, family supports, etc.) and asked each other "Why do you want that? What do you see as the benefit? How will this shape Canada?" And not just yelled the question across the room, while forming an answer that paints the other person as the villain.

We have a country headed for (some would argue that we have already arrived) crisis and our leaders act like immature children in representing us! But, wait a minute. They are representing us- you and me. Is this the "representing" that we want?

I look around me and see a society that would socially massacre a prime minister who would 'back down' or compromise on something. The headlines would splatter them with sneers and call them weak. People who had supported the prime minister would feel betrayed. And whoever supported the other side would feel like there was a victory- like we were behind the ones who masterminded a plan to sneakily get the prime minister to slip up. Our society can't handle a government that truly and humbly listens to each other, yet that is what we need. And I think that is what it craves! Forget all these games- our country needs leadership, and in a democracy, leadership comes from the people. So, yeah, go out and vote but democracy doesn't end at the polls. Stop the smearing. Stop disrespecting people who think different and have different priorities. Speak up against the media who makes news out of nothing. The actions of our politicians are mirrors of what we are asking for. We need to change ourselves and show the leaders that they can be humble, team players and lead our country. Enough of this childish, ignorant, derisive polarity in politics!

I think if I led the country, I would get rid of capitalism, put little focus on the economy, tell people to stop shopping and wasting money and focus on healthcare, education, people, international relations, righting past wrongs and all the other things that are my passion. And, I think the country would crumble! Without an economy, all sorts of things would fall. I don't even have a strong enough understanding of the things that I do know to think that I wouldn't need input from someone else. I would need someone to tell me the pieces that I don't see. No person, or party, can know or represent everything!

You know what I would like to do? I would like to put all the leaders of the parties in a small, cozy room with comfy chairs and pillows. I would tell them to wear their comfy clothes and leave their notes at home. I would give them tea and veggies and just ask them to hang out. Talk about their families, friends, passions and why they want to change our country. Then, after doing that for a couple days, I would give them a topic for each day. One day, they could talk about education. They could review the facts, talk about their different goals and come up with a plan that is robust, well thought out and diverse. Can you imagine? And then, for the rest of the time, they would go over each other issues. No press would ever hear of the meetings. No one else would be in it. Just them. No pressure. No telling stories. Just listening, asking honest questions and working to make Canada a better place. And I know that most issues would not get resolved- people have different priorities and epistemology- but to have the party that is leading to have heard, like really heard the other side would change things drastically. That is what I want my leader to do. And this is democracy, so I have a voice.

The End of an Era

Sigh,
today I gave up.
Too much work.
Too much pain.
The sparkle just didn't shine bright enough to convince me to keep going.
Good bye, my nose ring (or should I say nose stud?)
You were a fun self expression,
but really way too much work.
My new skills of being able to soak my nose in water
and inhale it to just the right point
and then blow it out again
will be a forever cherished part of my life,
but, alas, you will not.

You refused to keep your place
on the outside of my skin
and preferred instead to be nuzzled
between my skin and cartilage
and that just isn't okay!
I am sure you understand.
The mechanics of getting a sparkle through a layer of skin
just ain't fun!
I don't want to hear the skin pop sound again.
So, you now hold a space...
tucked in some drawer or something
proof of my freedom

So, you are gone.
I miss your sparkle when I cross my eyes,
or the sass I feel when I remember
I pierced my nose
But the pain
and the bump
(that hopefully won't last)
just meant you had to go.

Good bye my way too much work nose ring.
I will have to find some sparkle
some other way.




p.s. if you want to hear a fun, beautiful song, check out Adele- Set Fire to the Rain

Quotes

I have come across some quotes recently that are currently surrounding my desk in sticky notes. But, since I am packing, I figured digitizing them would be more long term.

"We are whiplashed between an arrogant overestimation of ourselves and a servile underestimation of ourselves." Parker J. Palmer

The 3 Paradoxes of Life & Growing Up according to Courtney E. Martin (from a TEDtalk)
1. Rejecting the past and promptly reclaiming it.
2. Sobering up to our smallness and maintaining faith in our greatness all at once.
3. Aiming to succeed wildly and being fulfilled by failing really well.

In the fourth century, St. Gregory of Nyssa said that “sin is a refusal to keep growing up.”

"We are not called to be perfect, we are called to be human." (I forget her name from a TEDtalk.)

B by Sarah Kay

Instead of mom, she’s going to call me “point b”
Because that way she knows that no matter what happens, A
t least she can always find her way to me.
& i’m going to paint the solar system on the back of her hands
so that she has to learn the entire universe before she can say
“oh, i know that like the back of my hand.”
she’s going to learn that this life will hit you, hard, in the face,
wait for you to get back up so it can kick you in the stomach,
but getting the wind knocked out of you is
the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.
there is hurt, here, that cannot be fixed by band-aids or poetry,
so the first time she realizes that wonder woman isn’t coming,
i’ll make sure she knows she doesn’t have to wear the cape all by herself.
because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers
your hands will always be to small to catch all the pain you want to heal,
believe me, i’ve tried.
& “baby,” i’ll tell her “don’t keep your nose up in the air like that, i know that trick,
you’re just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back
to a burning house so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire
to see if you can save him or else find the boy who lit the fire in the first place
to see if you can change him.”
but i know that she will anyway
so instead i’ll always keep an extra supply of chocolate & rain boats nearby
because there is no heartbreak that chocolate can’t fix.
okay, there’s a few heartbreaks chocolate can’t fix
but that’s what the rain boots are for
because rain will wash away everything if you let it.
i want her to see the world through the underside of a glass bottom boat,
to look through a magnifying glass at the galaxies that exist on the pin point of a human mind.
because that’s how my mom taught me,
that they’ll be days like this,
“they’ll be day’s like this my momma said.”
when you open your hands to catch
& end up with only blisters & bruises,
when you step out of the phone booth & try to fly
& the very people you want to save are the ones standing on your cape,
when your boots will fill with rain & you’ll be up to your knees in disappointment
& those are the very days you have all the more reason to say “thank you,”
because there is nothing more beautiful than the way
the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline
no matter how many times it’s sent away.
you will put the “wind” in win some lose some,
you will put the “star” in starting over & over.
no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute
be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life.
& yes, on a scale of one to over-trusting
i am pretty fucking naive but i want her to know
that this world is made out of sugar.
it can crumble so easily but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out & taste it.
“baby,” i’ll tell her “remember your mama is a worrier
but your papa is a warrior & you are the girl with small hands
& big eyes who never stops asking for more.”
remember that good things come in threes
& so do bad things & always apologize when you’ve done something wrong
but don’t ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.
your voice is small but don’t ever stop singing
& when they finally hand you heartbreak,
slip hatred & war under your doorstep
& hand you hand-outs on street corners of cynicism & defeat,
you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.


To watch this spoken poem, check out http://www.ted.com/talks/sarah_kay_if_i_should_have_a_daughter.html

islands of excellence

I heard this quote today while watching some TEDx videos and think it aptly describes our education system and also our social justice efforts.

"We have isolate islands of excellence with no great ferry system."

Lee Foltos (off of TEDx Manitoba youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXtT7p0UJ_U&feature=autoplay&list=PLFB7EE9386F0B2B85&index=3&playnext=3)

We need to build a ferry system!! :)

do not judge, lest you be judged.....

I feel like shit so quickly these days. My self confidence has crumbled- I wonder if it ever was what I thought it was, anyways. I have nothing that is esteemed in society. I have fallen from being a prize production of society to being a failure in its definition of success. For whatever reasons- emotional or logistical, I cannot get a job that pays very much. My meager bi-weekly cheques for $608 are hardly meager but they don't carry the note of success that double that did. I know that if I got a full time teaching job, the pay cheques would make it easier for me to feel worth something. I have become defined by monetary success despite valiant efforts to not be. It is like my body image- I know that I don't have a great one, I just have never not had the "perfect body" so my unhealthy body image works just fine. I feel ashamed, like I have done something wrong, when I look at the amount I made this year when I did my taxes- a measly $3000, which includes over $1000 of cattle income. Imagine that- I have spent six months and thousands of dollars caring for widows and orphans, and I feel like a failure. I feel like I have not contributed enough. Something isn't right here. How are the voices of society so loud, yet have gone unnoticed in my own life? They are like a high pitched scream that we no longer notice because it has always been there.

People ask me about my work, and I cringe. I am ashamed to tell them that I am not busy. I am not stressed (at least not in the way they are looking for). I feel like I am not producing enough to keep up my value. My job produces nothing tangible and my spare time produces even less- I have nothing that is valued in society to show for my existence at this point. I am consuming little and producing less. My life is not changing the world in grand and glorious ways. Probably not even in medium ways.

I am no longer the poster girl for a 'good person' in our society and it is incredible how shitty that can make me feel if I am not careful. Which leads me to be amazed at how defined I was by all of those things! I never thought that money was a big thing for me- but not having it overflowing (I am still by no measure poor) feels like a strike against my value as a person. I never thought that I was one of those people who attached value to people based on their titles and jobs, but to not have "a great job" where I work hard all the time, get tired by being productive, produce something valuable for my world or family is another 'failure' in my view of myself through societies eyes. I feel like I can't stand as tall or be as proud to be me because I am a burnt out teacher who isn't even teaching.

Society is so narrow in what it values, which messages it tells us and how it defines success as an individual. No one is sending out messages that the most important thing is living a life of fullness welling up from inside of your soul. There is no space in society to promote emotional and soul well being. Spiritual well- being (including but not limited to religion) is for 'those' people- the ones who are on the radical, not so praised edges of our communities. The ones where society shakes its collective head at and reduces all their core truths to trite statements of 'peace, love and hope and picking up your litter.' If society actually listened, what might happen?

So beware. Search your soul and the pieces of identity. What defines you? You may be surprised. Watch for warning signals- they were in my life, but I just didn't see them until now. Does sitting in a room of PhD holders intimidate you so you judge all your responses to make sure there are enough syllables in them? (I did/do.) What is your reaction to things before you get your 'good person' filter in place? How do you judge others- either positive or negative? I imagine that you will give similar judgments to yourself. The verse in Matthew that says "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." rings true in a new way. I used to think this was a pronouncement of punishment, like "If you judge other people, God is going to come and look at you the same way that you looked and them and condemn you the same way." But maybe it means that how you look at others is the reflection of how you really see yourself. It means that if the graces that hold you in the place that you are now- the place of privilege, power, wealth, health, love, or whatever else defines you- fell apart for whatever reason, you would look inside yourself with the disgust, mistrust, frustration, disdain and judgment that was once turned outwards. You will judge yourself as you have judged. And there is nothing worse than a condemning inner voice. You can shut the door on others, but never on yourself. And the scary part is, you probably won't even know it if you are judging others. It probably won't be something easy to find. The answers won't be the ones that you thought they would be.

But, they will be worth it. There is more valuable to you than you are told by society. So much more. Part of my wishes the fight to find it wouldn't be so hard, but even that fight can bring beauty.

I hope that some day soon, I can look into the eyes of any person and see them. Really see them- their core value, their soul, the 'ness' of them. And maybe on that day, I will be able to look inside and also be at peace with my core value, my soul and the 'ness' of me.

Following your heart

It could be that Jesus' will lead us to a place where we ourselves don't even know any more whether we're holy, where all we know is that we have to do what we have to do what we have to do, where we have to obey the word that we've heard in our heart. Often we don't even get the satisfaction of being in the right; and there's no security that everyone will agree with us.... this Gospel doesn't bless the existing system; it leads us to the edges where freedom might be found. It does so in such a way that we can return to the world, without being addictively dependent on it any more, so that we can return to the suffering and joys of this world, without letting ourselves be seduced by its false promises on either side.

Richard Rohr, The Simplicity of Living, pg. 143


ahhh... a sigh of relief. I love when someone else has words for what I feel that help take my wordlessness and make it expressible.

Fighting for Integration

I had an experience today that made me uncomfortable. It made me think that our systems are broken and break the people who work and live in them. I had an interview today (which I was very glad for and nothing in here reflects negatively on that experience or the people involved). As I sat there trying to answer questions, I constantly hit the wall where words just don't say it all! I knew that I should be throwing catch phrases in and using all my professional knowledge to make myself sound articulate and all that stuff, but mostly I just wanted to talk about me. I wanted to talk about how I loved kids and how watching them learn something brought me so much joy. I wanted to talk about my journey in knowing myself and how I think that will make me a better teacher. I wanted to talk about my heart and what I was feeling so that they would know me and see that I am an amazing teacher. I wanted to share memories and stories about the good times and the bad and how I dealt with them and what I would change. I wanted to be me- all parts of me.

But instead, I had to make sure to be 'professional' and keep my answers on topic. And I needed to think about the 'right' words to say (which there are 'right' words because I saw them listed under the questions- key words that if I said them, it got me points or something). I had to try and present myself as organized, hardworking, intelligent, and confident- all things that I am (or can be if I want to be) because that is what sells in professions. I couldn't talk about how I have learned to sit and listen in complicated situations. Or how I can see, like really see, a child. I couldn't say that I wanted to help my students find more pieces of themselves when they are with me. I couldn't say that I wanted to speak against a society that values hard work, intellect and accomplishment more than being yourself, being whole and being well.

And, I don't know what to do about that. How can I work in a system that wants to parse me into predefined pieces? It is a system that needs standards and I get that- but I felt like I had to put part of me away. I am tired of putting that part of me away- I want to put the other part away. The smart, confident, purposeful, hardworking part wants to step back for awhile. I don't want to have to 'handle it' all the time. I think I want to lose control- be overcome with something. And, I must say, I have come closer to tasting that than ever before and that small taste has developed a craving for it. A craving for a place, a space, a life where I don't have to 'handle' it all the time. I want to lose control. Sounds kinda crazy putting it that way, but I don't know how else to put it.

At a time like this, I am thankful for the delay of paperwork because I am not ready to enter that world of professionals again- not yet. I almost hope that I get another month or two to just be.

the 'ness', the inner, the me

"Western culture has tended to be an extroverted culture and a 'can-do' culture. Prayer too easily became an attempt to change God and aggrandize ourselves instead of what it was meant to be- an interior practice to change the one who is praying, which will always happen if we stand calmly before this uncanny and utterly safe Presence, allowing the Divine Gaze to invade and heal our unconscious, the place where 95 percent of our motivations and reactions come from. All we can really do is return the gaze. Then, as Meister Eckhart so perfectly said, "The eye with which we look back at God will be the same eye that first looked at us." We just complete the circuit!"" (Richard Rohr The Naked Now)

There is something inside of me- my soul, inner life, unconscious or subconscious, or whatever words you want to use for the 'ness' of me- that holds profundity and beauty. That is where truth often is- not that everything that comes out of that space will be truth, but I find that in that space, I find more truth- like the deep, talking to my soul, life changing truth- than I do by thinking logically or praying with words or reading the bible. Not that any of those things cannot lead to truth, but at this point, I cannot do them in a way that comes from the 'ness' of me- it often is an act of ego, or will, or morality,or intellect or a desperate grasp of control or search for answers in a life where control and answers stifle the beauty of the paradoxes of life. I think because for the first 25 years of my life, I paid little to no attention to the 'ness' of me, that now, I have to almost abandon all the other parts to finally give it a chance to exist inside of me. I don't think this is a balanced, long term state that I should strive to stay in, but until I learn to acknowledge, care for, cherish and love that piece of me and coax it to work strongly alongside my ego, will and intellect, I need to trust my "inner teacher". And I think that inner teacher is God- maybe an experience of God in that he created me with those pieces and abilities and I get to explore and learn from the depths of me, or it is an actual presence of God that the most 'ness' of me is God. Either way, it isn't about me working hard to get to know me. It is more like I have to get out of the way because 'I' focus on things other than the 'ness' of me.

Maybe that is why talking about theology makes me tense up because it played too big of a role and stifled my 'ness' in the past. I was always proud when I could use the bible and my intelligence to defend, counter or convince someone of something. For me, talking about theology calls up my intellect and ego and will because I need to think and defend and parse and understand and decide and know. And that just ties me in knots inside. Come to think of it, maybe that is why I get uncomfortable in defending a lot of what I think and believe and feel right now because it comes out of this place of me, this me-ness, that is insecure and scared and unsure because it hasn't worked alongside the pieces of me that I need to use to explain, defend or convince people that what I believe holds beauty, merit and truth. Maybe that is why I feel alone in the surrounded by some of the people I love because I can't communicate those things without having to explain what they mean when what they are is something deeper than words and something that I can't really communicate. Maybe that is why I feel at home in my church now because I don't have to explain anything. There is a call to be and to love and to seek and to find that coaxes out my soul and makes me feel at home.

And when people, particularly the ones I love most, try and 'get it'- it is hard for me because I can't explain it. I want to, but I can't. It is like trying to put words to what the colors, textures, and shapes that my pastel drawings portray. Sometimes, I don't even know for myself what they mean! And when I do know myself, any words that I use are like the shallowest way to convey what I feel. It is like the words that I use don't mean hardly anything because using them is like trying to say the sunset is red- it doesn't convey it at all! But when you are trying to explain that to someone, and they ask "well, what is red?" or "what do you mean by 'red'?" or other questions- it gets all muddled because the point isn't that the sunset is red. The point is that it is a sunset- a phenomenon that holds beauty on so many levels- it speaks of creativity, beauty, rhythm, order, balance, systems larger than the world, agelessness, and so much more. But, sometimes when I try and talk about what it is like, all I can say is 'red' and hope that somehow people who I am communicating with will know- they will know that I don't just mean red like the color of the crayola crayon- I mean red- like the sunset red.

A Continued Journey

It seems that a journey towards greater peace in life is just that- a journey. Going to Kenya was a couple steps on that journey, but it was the kind of steps that make one realize how many more steps there are to take. Its like the more I see the depth and beauty and wholeness in peace, the more I realize how much more I have to learn. It reminds me of gazing in a clear, calm lake for some reason. It is like looking down without moving and, as your eyes adjust, seeing more and more diversity and beauty down deeper than I can touch. I think that some people haven't even stopped long enough to notice the intricacies of the lake and others have donned their scuba gear and walked the floor of it. I think I am treading water right now. It is around me- I can feel it. I know it exists. Sometimes I can just float in it and feel it holding me up when I am too tired to hold myself up, but most of the time I am treading- working hard to keep myself afloat and warm.

These last couple months, most particularly these last couple weeks, have been hard. The kind of times where I know that I can get through them and I can handle it and I keep my perspectives healthy and loving and take care of myself, and then instead of getting easier, they get harder. So I readjust and keep going and try and love and have joy and balance that with feeling overwhelmed and scared. And then, what I hope is the final blow for awhile hits and I yet again remind myself that I can do this. I can continue on my journey towards greater peace and love but I think right now, this stint of the journey is lined with shards of rocks and I don't have shoes. It has been, and is, hard. Every day. But, I keep walking because that's what you do in life. You keep walking. I know that when I am ready to let go of some stuff, it will get easier, but I am just not quite ready to let go yet. Not quite.

I find myself grasping for control a lot. It seems like there is always something more that I need to let go of. I had dreams in my mind. For example, when I got home from Kenya, I was going to be energetic (something I haven't had in years!) and I was going to use my earning potential as a white, affluent, educated person to make loads of money and send it back to Kenya. I left Kenya having a sense that they know what they are doing there- they know the needs, the community, the people and they have a plan- a really detailed, well thought out plan- for how to help their people. They didn't need my ideas or anything like that- they just simply need money. That stuff that we make tonnes of here and they make little of there. It seemed like the perfect plan to me! I have earning potential, they have need, perfect combination. Well, job hunting turned out to be harder than I thought and, after 10 weeks of it, I got a part time job. Thankfully, it is a good paying part time job, but still only part time. And, I am not energetic. I am tired after my three days of working so I am not sure how much I should try to find another part time job. And I found out that I may have to be changing my living situation soon which will mean an increase in expenses (I have an amazing, cheap place now!) which means less money, yet again. And its just money. But its more than that. It was my chance to help. And it feels like, yet again, it has been taken away.

I don't understand it all. I hypothesize about what I may learn in the troubles of the last 4 years, but right now, it feels like every effort that I make to love people, lead a meaningful life and do what is right and good gets thwarted. Losing my passion and energy for teaching, feeling like my entire worldview got turned on its head, losing a relationship that I thought would take me to places I had never been and be something that would empower me to be more than I could be on my own, not getting a fantastic job, being tired and now (as small as it is in a larger perspective) changing housing situations. I don't get it.

So, how do you pursue the big things in life without holding on too tightly to attaining them? I can't see how my dreams and aspirations are something that were wrong, but yet they just don't seem to be what I get to have in life. I want to live a big life of purpose and love and be the kind of person that people come in contact with and feel better and loved and inspired because of it. But all the ways that I felt God leading have come crashing down around me.

I think, no, actually, I know, that I need to learn to tread water less and just float more. Its kinda anti-type-A-personality-farm-girl-evangelic-christian-conservative-background-western-white-Canadian so it seems like a lot of work for me to float- lol, I think that's my problem. Its work for me to not work. It is work for me to float and just be in peace. Yup, I got control issues.

And, this blog turned out to be about something else completely than what I was planning. Oh well, I guess I will just have to write again sometime.