Fighting for Integration

I had an experience today that made me uncomfortable. It made me think that our systems are broken and break the people who work and live in them. I had an interview today (which I was very glad for and nothing in here reflects negatively on that experience or the people involved). As I sat there trying to answer questions, I constantly hit the wall where words just don't say it all! I knew that I should be throwing catch phrases in and using all my professional knowledge to make myself sound articulate and all that stuff, but mostly I just wanted to talk about me. I wanted to talk about how I loved kids and how watching them learn something brought me so much joy. I wanted to talk about my journey in knowing myself and how I think that will make me a better teacher. I wanted to talk about my heart and what I was feeling so that they would know me and see that I am an amazing teacher. I wanted to share memories and stories about the good times and the bad and how I dealt with them and what I would change. I wanted to be me- all parts of me.

But instead, I had to make sure to be 'professional' and keep my answers on topic. And I needed to think about the 'right' words to say (which there are 'right' words because I saw them listed under the questions- key words that if I said them, it got me points or something). I had to try and present myself as organized, hardworking, intelligent, and confident- all things that I am (or can be if I want to be) because that is what sells in professions. I couldn't talk about how I have learned to sit and listen in complicated situations. Or how I can see, like really see, a child. I couldn't say that I wanted to help my students find more pieces of themselves when they are with me. I couldn't say that I wanted to speak against a society that values hard work, intellect and accomplishment more than being yourself, being whole and being well.

And, I don't know what to do about that. How can I work in a system that wants to parse me into predefined pieces? It is a system that needs standards and I get that- but I felt like I had to put part of me away. I am tired of putting that part of me away- I want to put the other part away. The smart, confident, purposeful, hardworking part wants to step back for awhile. I don't want to have to 'handle it' all the time. I think I want to lose control- be overcome with something. And, I must say, I have come closer to tasting that than ever before and that small taste has developed a craving for it. A craving for a place, a space, a life where I don't have to 'handle' it all the time. I want to lose control. Sounds kinda crazy putting it that way, but I don't know how else to put it.

At a time like this, I am thankful for the delay of paperwork because I am not ready to enter that world of professionals again- not yet. I almost hope that I get another month or two to just be.