the 'ness', the inner, the me

"Western culture has tended to be an extroverted culture and a 'can-do' culture. Prayer too easily became an attempt to change God and aggrandize ourselves instead of what it was meant to be- an interior practice to change the one who is praying, which will always happen if we stand calmly before this uncanny and utterly safe Presence, allowing the Divine Gaze to invade and heal our unconscious, the place where 95 percent of our motivations and reactions come from. All we can really do is return the gaze. Then, as Meister Eckhart so perfectly said, "The eye with which we look back at God will be the same eye that first looked at us." We just complete the circuit!"" (Richard Rohr The Naked Now)

There is something inside of me- my soul, inner life, unconscious or subconscious, or whatever words you want to use for the 'ness' of me- that holds profundity and beauty. That is where truth often is- not that everything that comes out of that space will be truth, but I find that in that space, I find more truth- like the deep, talking to my soul, life changing truth- than I do by thinking logically or praying with words or reading the bible. Not that any of those things cannot lead to truth, but at this point, I cannot do them in a way that comes from the 'ness' of me- it often is an act of ego, or will, or morality,or intellect or a desperate grasp of control or search for answers in a life where control and answers stifle the beauty of the paradoxes of life. I think because for the first 25 years of my life, I paid little to no attention to the 'ness' of me, that now, I have to almost abandon all the other parts to finally give it a chance to exist inside of me. I don't think this is a balanced, long term state that I should strive to stay in, but until I learn to acknowledge, care for, cherish and love that piece of me and coax it to work strongly alongside my ego, will and intellect, I need to trust my "inner teacher". And I think that inner teacher is God- maybe an experience of God in that he created me with those pieces and abilities and I get to explore and learn from the depths of me, or it is an actual presence of God that the most 'ness' of me is God. Either way, it isn't about me working hard to get to know me. It is more like I have to get out of the way because 'I' focus on things other than the 'ness' of me.

Maybe that is why talking about theology makes me tense up because it played too big of a role and stifled my 'ness' in the past. I was always proud when I could use the bible and my intelligence to defend, counter or convince someone of something. For me, talking about theology calls up my intellect and ego and will because I need to think and defend and parse and understand and decide and know. And that just ties me in knots inside. Come to think of it, maybe that is why I get uncomfortable in defending a lot of what I think and believe and feel right now because it comes out of this place of me, this me-ness, that is insecure and scared and unsure because it hasn't worked alongside the pieces of me that I need to use to explain, defend or convince people that what I believe holds beauty, merit and truth. Maybe that is why I feel alone in the surrounded by some of the people I love because I can't communicate those things without having to explain what they mean when what they are is something deeper than words and something that I can't really communicate. Maybe that is why I feel at home in my church now because I don't have to explain anything. There is a call to be and to love and to seek and to find that coaxes out my soul and makes me feel at home.

And when people, particularly the ones I love most, try and 'get it'- it is hard for me because I can't explain it. I want to, but I can't. It is like trying to put words to what the colors, textures, and shapes that my pastel drawings portray. Sometimes, I don't even know for myself what they mean! And when I do know myself, any words that I use are like the shallowest way to convey what I feel. It is like the words that I use don't mean hardly anything because using them is like trying to say the sunset is red- it doesn't convey it at all! But when you are trying to explain that to someone, and they ask "well, what is red?" or "what do you mean by 'red'?" or other questions- it gets all muddled because the point isn't that the sunset is red. The point is that it is a sunset- a phenomenon that holds beauty on so many levels- it speaks of creativity, beauty, rhythm, order, balance, systems larger than the world, agelessness, and so much more. But, sometimes when I try and talk about what it is like, all I can say is 'red' and hope that somehow people who I am communicating with will know- they will know that I don't just mean red like the color of the crayola crayon- I mean red- like the sunset red.

A Continued Journey

It seems that a journey towards greater peace in life is just that- a journey. Going to Kenya was a couple steps on that journey, but it was the kind of steps that make one realize how many more steps there are to take. Its like the more I see the depth and beauty and wholeness in peace, the more I realize how much more I have to learn. It reminds me of gazing in a clear, calm lake for some reason. It is like looking down without moving and, as your eyes adjust, seeing more and more diversity and beauty down deeper than I can touch. I think that some people haven't even stopped long enough to notice the intricacies of the lake and others have donned their scuba gear and walked the floor of it. I think I am treading water right now. It is around me- I can feel it. I know it exists. Sometimes I can just float in it and feel it holding me up when I am too tired to hold myself up, but most of the time I am treading- working hard to keep myself afloat and warm.

These last couple months, most particularly these last couple weeks, have been hard. The kind of times where I know that I can get through them and I can handle it and I keep my perspectives healthy and loving and take care of myself, and then instead of getting easier, they get harder. So I readjust and keep going and try and love and have joy and balance that with feeling overwhelmed and scared. And then, what I hope is the final blow for awhile hits and I yet again remind myself that I can do this. I can continue on my journey towards greater peace and love but I think right now, this stint of the journey is lined with shards of rocks and I don't have shoes. It has been, and is, hard. Every day. But, I keep walking because that's what you do in life. You keep walking. I know that when I am ready to let go of some stuff, it will get easier, but I am just not quite ready to let go yet. Not quite.

I find myself grasping for control a lot. It seems like there is always something more that I need to let go of. I had dreams in my mind. For example, when I got home from Kenya, I was going to be energetic (something I haven't had in years!) and I was going to use my earning potential as a white, affluent, educated person to make loads of money and send it back to Kenya. I left Kenya having a sense that they know what they are doing there- they know the needs, the community, the people and they have a plan- a really detailed, well thought out plan- for how to help their people. They didn't need my ideas or anything like that- they just simply need money. That stuff that we make tonnes of here and they make little of there. It seemed like the perfect plan to me! I have earning potential, they have need, perfect combination. Well, job hunting turned out to be harder than I thought and, after 10 weeks of it, I got a part time job. Thankfully, it is a good paying part time job, but still only part time. And, I am not energetic. I am tired after my three days of working so I am not sure how much I should try to find another part time job. And I found out that I may have to be changing my living situation soon which will mean an increase in expenses (I have an amazing, cheap place now!) which means less money, yet again. And its just money. But its more than that. It was my chance to help. And it feels like, yet again, it has been taken away.

I don't understand it all. I hypothesize about what I may learn in the troubles of the last 4 years, but right now, it feels like every effort that I make to love people, lead a meaningful life and do what is right and good gets thwarted. Losing my passion and energy for teaching, feeling like my entire worldview got turned on its head, losing a relationship that I thought would take me to places I had never been and be something that would empower me to be more than I could be on my own, not getting a fantastic job, being tired and now (as small as it is in a larger perspective) changing housing situations. I don't get it.

So, how do you pursue the big things in life without holding on too tightly to attaining them? I can't see how my dreams and aspirations are something that were wrong, but yet they just don't seem to be what I get to have in life. I want to live a big life of purpose and love and be the kind of person that people come in contact with and feel better and loved and inspired because of it. But all the ways that I felt God leading have come crashing down around me.

I think, no, actually, I know, that I need to learn to tread water less and just float more. Its kinda anti-type-A-personality-farm-girl-evangelic-christian-conservative-background-western-white-Canadian so it seems like a lot of work for me to float- lol, I think that's my problem. Its work for me to not work. It is work for me to float and just be in peace. Yup, I got control issues.

And, this blog turned out to be about something else completely than what I was planning. Oh well, I guess I will just have to write again sometime.