A Continued Journey

It seems that a journey towards greater peace in life is just that- a journey. Going to Kenya was a couple steps on that journey, but it was the kind of steps that make one realize how many more steps there are to take. Its like the more I see the depth and beauty and wholeness in peace, the more I realize how much more I have to learn. It reminds me of gazing in a clear, calm lake for some reason. It is like looking down without moving and, as your eyes adjust, seeing more and more diversity and beauty down deeper than I can touch. I think that some people haven't even stopped long enough to notice the intricacies of the lake and others have donned their scuba gear and walked the floor of it. I think I am treading water right now. It is around me- I can feel it. I know it exists. Sometimes I can just float in it and feel it holding me up when I am too tired to hold myself up, but most of the time I am treading- working hard to keep myself afloat and warm.

These last couple months, most particularly these last couple weeks, have been hard. The kind of times where I know that I can get through them and I can handle it and I keep my perspectives healthy and loving and take care of myself, and then instead of getting easier, they get harder. So I readjust and keep going and try and love and have joy and balance that with feeling overwhelmed and scared. And then, what I hope is the final blow for awhile hits and I yet again remind myself that I can do this. I can continue on my journey towards greater peace and love but I think right now, this stint of the journey is lined with shards of rocks and I don't have shoes. It has been, and is, hard. Every day. But, I keep walking because that's what you do in life. You keep walking. I know that when I am ready to let go of some stuff, it will get easier, but I am just not quite ready to let go yet. Not quite.

I find myself grasping for control a lot. It seems like there is always something more that I need to let go of. I had dreams in my mind. For example, when I got home from Kenya, I was going to be energetic (something I haven't had in years!) and I was going to use my earning potential as a white, affluent, educated person to make loads of money and send it back to Kenya. I left Kenya having a sense that they know what they are doing there- they know the needs, the community, the people and they have a plan- a really detailed, well thought out plan- for how to help their people. They didn't need my ideas or anything like that- they just simply need money. That stuff that we make tonnes of here and they make little of there. It seemed like the perfect plan to me! I have earning potential, they have need, perfect combination. Well, job hunting turned out to be harder than I thought and, after 10 weeks of it, I got a part time job. Thankfully, it is a good paying part time job, but still only part time. And, I am not energetic. I am tired after my three days of working so I am not sure how much I should try to find another part time job. And I found out that I may have to be changing my living situation soon which will mean an increase in expenses (I have an amazing, cheap place now!) which means less money, yet again. And its just money. But its more than that. It was my chance to help. And it feels like, yet again, it has been taken away.

I don't understand it all. I hypothesize about what I may learn in the troubles of the last 4 years, but right now, it feels like every effort that I make to love people, lead a meaningful life and do what is right and good gets thwarted. Losing my passion and energy for teaching, feeling like my entire worldview got turned on its head, losing a relationship that I thought would take me to places I had never been and be something that would empower me to be more than I could be on my own, not getting a fantastic job, being tired and now (as small as it is in a larger perspective) changing housing situations. I don't get it.

So, how do you pursue the big things in life without holding on too tightly to attaining them? I can't see how my dreams and aspirations are something that were wrong, but yet they just don't seem to be what I get to have in life. I want to live a big life of purpose and love and be the kind of person that people come in contact with and feel better and loved and inspired because of it. But all the ways that I felt God leading have come crashing down around me.

I think, no, actually, I know, that I need to learn to tread water less and just float more. Its kinda anti-type-A-personality-farm-girl-evangelic-christian-conservative-background-western-white-Canadian so it seems like a lot of work for me to float- lol, I think that's my problem. Its work for me to not work. It is work for me to float and just be in peace. Yup, I got control issues.

And, this blog turned out to be about something else completely than what I was planning. Oh well, I guess I will just have to write again sometime.