Real Life

So, what does that mean and why does it feel like my time in Ethiopia is somehow a break from "real life?" Why does the thought of being back in Canada feel a little intimidating because I'll be re-entering the 'real' world? Why do the patterns and lifestyle choices that I've developed here not hold the same weight as the patterns and lifestyle choices that I practice in Canada. Why does being stressed out feel more 'real' than being a lot less stressed (haven't quite gotten to not stressed)? Why do I feel like I'm cheating the system? I think I have some ideological deconstruction to do.

Can I come home and integrate more peaceful, soulful, and grateful patterns into my lifestyle? I feel like when I get home, I have to think about all the stuff that society tells me to think about. I "have to" care what I wear (I wear the same clothes pretty much all the time here- social faux pas!!). I "have to" maintain a certain level of visible, tangible productivity in what often feels like an attempt to justify my existence. I "have to" find a job that somehow manages to be a meaningful expression of my talents and pays the bills. I "have to" start planning what the next step is and be on a path of some sort or have something that I am striving for. And the list seems like it could go on.

Now, don't get me wrong. Each of those things has its place (although the pressure to conform to some ideal 'looking good' in clothing may not). For example, I want to do meaningful things and be productive in life. I love living a life that makes a difference. But, here, it feels like I am okay and from that base of okay-ness its a privilege to find opportunities to do that make a difference. Nobody here is looking at me and saying I do or don't do enough. At home, there isn't anybody saying it but it still feels like its there. Really strongly, actually. Why is that? Is it me? Is it church? Is it Western culture? I kinda don't think its just me. I see the constant striving all around. Whether its striving for perfection, Godliness, money, security, recognition, knowledge or relationships, it kinda seems like its everywhere. Can I somehow develop a shield that protects me from myself and my culture that tells me that I always need to strive? I must say, its easier to reject it from the outside, but its really hard not to judge myself using the same standards that I reject from others.

Its all swirling inside me right now-- who do I want to be and how do I get there and live in Canada? Can I learn for myself that these last many months in a different country have been as much real life as if I'd lived them in Canada? Can I stand against the internal and external pressures to conform to striving? Can I be strong enough to hold on to this tenuous grip I have on a more peaceful perspective? This week, it feels daunting. I'm excited to see friends and family again (I miss all the little people in my life!), but it all feels a little scary right now. But-- its what I really, really want... so that is what I'll strive for. :)