do not judge, lest you be judged.....

I feel like shit so quickly these days. My self confidence has crumbled- I wonder if it ever was what I thought it was, anyways. I have nothing that is esteemed in society. I have fallen from being a prize production of society to being a failure in its definition of success. For whatever reasons- emotional or logistical, I cannot get a job that pays very much. My meager bi-weekly cheques for $608 are hardly meager but they don't carry the note of success that double that did. I know that if I got a full time teaching job, the pay cheques would make it easier for me to feel worth something. I have become defined by monetary success despite valiant efforts to not be. It is like my body image- I know that I don't have a great one, I just have never not had the "perfect body" so my unhealthy body image works just fine. I feel ashamed, like I have done something wrong, when I look at the amount I made this year when I did my taxes- a measly $3000, which includes over $1000 of cattle income. Imagine that- I have spent six months and thousands of dollars caring for widows and orphans, and I feel like a failure. I feel like I have not contributed enough. Something isn't right here. How are the voices of society so loud, yet have gone unnoticed in my own life? They are like a high pitched scream that we no longer notice because it has always been there.

People ask me about my work, and I cringe. I am ashamed to tell them that I am not busy. I am not stressed (at least not in the way they are looking for). I feel like I am not producing enough to keep up my value. My job produces nothing tangible and my spare time produces even less- I have nothing that is valued in society to show for my existence at this point. I am consuming little and producing less. My life is not changing the world in grand and glorious ways. Probably not even in medium ways.

I am no longer the poster girl for a 'good person' in our society and it is incredible how shitty that can make me feel if I am not careful. Which leads me to be amazed at how defined I was by all of those things! I never thought that money was a big thing for me- but not having it overflowing (I am still by no measure poor) feels like a strike against my value as a person. I never thought that I was one of those people who attached value to people based on their titles and jobs, but to not have "a great job" where I work hard all the time, get tired by being productive, produce something valuable for my world or family is another 'failure' in my view of myself through societies eyes. I feel like I can't stand as tall or be as proud to be me because I am a burnt out teacher who isn't even teaching.

Society is so narrow in what it values, which messages it tells us and how it defines success as an individual. No one is sending out messages that the most important thing is living a life of fullness welling up from inside of your soul. There is no space in society to promote emotional and soul well being. Spiritual well- being (including but not limited to religion) is for 'those' people- the ones who are on the radical, not so praised edges of our communities. The ones where society shakes its collective head at and reduces all their core truths to trite statements of 'peace, love and hope and picking up your litter.' If society actually listened, what might happen?

So beware. Search your soul and the pieces of identity. What defines you? You may be surprised. Watch for warning signals- they were in my life, but I just didn't see them until now. Does sitting in a room of PhD holders intimidate you so you judge all your responses to make sure there are enough syllables in them? (I did/do.) What is your reaction to things before you get your 'good person' filter in place? How do you judge others- either positive or negative? I imagine that you will give similar judgments to yourself. The verse in Matthew that says "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." rings true in a new way. I used to think this was a pronouncement of punishment, like "If you judge other people, God is going to come and look at you the same way that you looked and them and condemn you the same way." But maybe it means that how you look at others is the reflection of how you really see yourself. It means that if the graces that hold you in the place that you are now- the place of privilege, power, wealth, health, love, or whatever else defines you- fell apart for whatever reason, you would look inside yourself with the disgust, mistrust, frustration, disdain and judgment that was once turned outwards. You will judge yourself as you have judged. And there is nothing worse than a condemning inner voice. You can shut the door on others, but never on yourself. And the scary part is, you probably won't even know it if you are judging others. It probably won't be something easy to find. The answers won't be the ones that you thought they would be.

But, they will be worth it. There is more valuable to you than you are told by society. So much more. Part of my wishes the fight to find it wouldn't be so hard, but even that fight can bring beauty.

I hope that some day soon, I can look into the eyes of any person and see them. Really see them- their core value, their soul, the 'ness' of them. And maybe on that day, I will be able to look inside and also be at peace with my core value, my soul and the 'ness' of me.