Parts of an Elephant

Have you ever heard that story of the six blind men who describe an elephant? The one where they each describe a part, but none figure out that it is an elephant? I was reading today in a book called Fully Present and in a daily devotional by Richard Rohr. The combination of the two started me thinking...

Richard Rohr wrote

Transformation of consciousness is this: We must be liberated from ourselves as the reference point for reality, stating our preferences moment by moment and making mental commentaries on every event—up or down. It really does not matter whether we like it or not—it just is. A spiritually transformed person stops looking at reality as an object, or even God as an object for my consumption. God becomes the co-seer with us, not the seen.

and "Fully Present" wrote about how focusing on parts of the elephant keep us from being aware of, or experiencing, or being present to, the whole.

I started thinking back over my journey of most of my adult life (with an increased intensity in the last two years) to know myself. Who is me? What does it mean to be Vicki? What do I like? What don't I like? What do I feel? Why do I feel that? What do I like? But today I realized (maybe for the first time, maybe not) that it is possible to know and describe all the parts of me, but to still not know me. Like it is possible to describe six different parts of an elephant and still not know the elephant. So, I may know the answers to all of those questions and still not know me. Or, conversely, I may not be able to describe the elephant and still be able to experience the presence of the elephant. I may not be able to tell you all the details about me, but still have a depth of understanding of the dynamic tensions and emotions and experiences and passions and paradoxes that are me.

I think that lately, I have become to focussed on my 'piece of the elephant.' I have spent too much time thinking about what I feel, what I like and what I want. None of it out of a selfish desire-- but just trying to know myself in order to be less of a people pleaser and more of me. I have been befuddled by my feelings of decreasing maturity and increasing selfishness. Wasn't I supposed to know me? Don't I have to know me to be me? Shouldn't I be able to describe things about me? I have fought hard against being a people pleaser, yet don't really feel like I have gained what I was aiming for. I sometimes feel like I have lost parts of me in my attempts to find all of me. I hate spending so much time of what I feel and what I want. Maybe the pendulum had to swing because I spent so little time growing up getting to know myself, but it has made me feel small and childish.

But today, I might have fit some pieces together in a new way. Maybe I have been focusing too much on knowing the parts of the elephant rather than just experiencing it. Maybe I needed to realize a little bit what the parts of me are, but spent more time experiencing the whole. Like, I need to sit with the elephant of me and breathe in its smell, bask in its shadow, feel its presence beside me and also know that it has a trunk, a bunch of legs and a tail. And it needs to be all of those in order to know an elephant. So, now I know what I feel in situations and I have a better idea of what I like and don't like, but I want to learn to sit with me and be aware. To be overwhelmed and underwhelmed by my humanity. To be liberated from myself as a reference point of reality. I want more of that me. I want to experience me as a whole-- not just the parts.

And mostly, I want to see with God. I want to unobjectify reality. I want to rest in the wholeness of being. The potential of the depth of my experiencing excites me. Thank God for new days, new understandings and new glimpses of what can be!

And maybe now, maybe I get it a little more. interesting things to think about...