The Timing of Life

Life has left me a little breathless again this week. How does it keep sneaking up on me like that? I feel like the first four months of this year were amazing in ways that words cannot express. Amazing in the places that they brought me- the depths of my soul and my sorrow that I explored, lived and learned in. Amazing in the pieces of me that I saw, loved and cherished for the first time. Amazing in all the new pieces of seeing that seemed to daily surprise and inspire me. It was such a rich, excruciating, blessed time. And it was a time that I wanted to keep going on, in many ways. The pain hurt as hard lessons were learned and loss was faced, but it was such a strong teacher, that I was willing to keep it. It forced me into an awareness of my self, my soul, my 'ness', that I never wanted to let go of.

But life has moved on-- in many good ways! My loss has reversed and is such a beautiful opportunity to learn and love again. My job is less busy and, in fact, I now have two jobs. I am subbing in the wsd1 school division, which took a lot of time to get into. And, to top it all off, my energy is increasing, so I have worked two weeks of close to 40 hours each, had something up almost every night for two weeks, and I am still standing! (okay, well I actually and sitting and just had a little nap, but the list could have never been that long a couple of weeks ago!) It seems like my life is putting itself back together.

And yet, I feel like I am not ready for that. I am not ready to leave the place of depth and soul searching and finding. I am not ready to say good bye to the strong sadness and mourning that became my close friends. But life is moving on, and it feels like I am holding on to the edges of it again. I am out of the place where each day holds an experience of beauty. I am out of the place where my energy levels force me to rest and just be and be well. How do I integrate back? Of course, I never wanted to be tired forever or sad forever, but now what? How do I maintain what I have learned plus have energy?

I haven't come up with any answers, but maybe that is okay. Maybe I need to jump off this stage in the journey of life with gusto and trust that, no matter what, God will catch me and keep me along the way. Maybe I need to develop tangible patterns of wellness that keep me mindful, conscious and whole to ward off the fears, pressures and demands that stay at the edges of my mind, ready to pounce given any opportunity. Maybe this is what life is. Ebb and flow. Loss and renewal. Love and hope and peace beside suffering and tragedy.

Life is life.
It is what it is.
And, above all,
it is good.
What a blessing it is,
no matter the timing,
to live in this day,
in this moment,
with this life,
as me.

What a blessing it is
to choose
to be.