But Who Will Roll the Stone Away?

Last week, my pastor's message included a brief focus on the phrase "But who will roll away the stone?" and it has been tumbling in my head all week. In the resurrection story, some ladies are walking to put spices on Jesus' body and, as they walk, they realize that there is a really large rock, heavier than they can manage, in front of the entrance- rendering their plan impossible. Yet, they apparently kept walking.

As I think of the question they ask themselves "But, who will roll the stone away?" I imagine the hopelessness that they feel. Shock was starting to wear off, maybe the numbness after extreme loss was lessening and the impact of this new reality- this Jesus-less reality- was setting in. Maybe they walked, hoping for a miracle, or maybe they walked with dread- having to face the body of someone they loved and had such high hopes for. Maybe as they walked, they saw other crucified bodies hanging on the roadside- a stark reminder that Jesus didn't save the day. That the Roman occupation still held strong. That life, after all, held too much sadness to be contained in one human heart. Their hopes were dashed, their dreams were snatched and the way forward was allusive. One foot in front of the other, they could at least do this. They could at least honour their loved one in this tradition. They sweeten the reality of death with their spices. They could at least do that.

I imagine as they walked, wanting to do this good thing, that their feet lost strength for a second as they realized that, once again, they would be powerless to do this good thing. They could not even roll away the stone. Their mere humanity failed them again. They could not do what needed to be done.

I feel like I imagine these ladies did- I feel like I have faced death and found myself inadequate. While I did not lose something tangible, I lost. I faced the feeling of not being enough time after time. I fought to change. I fought the ugliness I saw inside myself. I fought to think different. To be different. To feel different. And the harder I tried, the harder I fell. Even to put these words to it seems like it doesn't tell you what it was really like. And I tried so hard to hold on to what I thought was the good in me while rejecting all the things I was trying to get rid of.

These last couple of years, more particularly, these last couple of months, have shown me my ugliness. I no longer could control everything inside of me to fit my picture of 'being good' and found so much inside of myself that I could not fight. For the first time in my life, I knew without a shadow of a doubt, that I was not enough. I felt so abandoned by God- how could he leave me in this mess. Couldn't he see that all I wanted was to please him? Couldn't he see that all the things I wanted were good things? I didn't want success, or stuff, or all those shallow things that 'others' wanted. I wanted world peace, justice, love and truth! Why was he not giving what I needed to get that done!? I could rarely sing because being at church brought me to a place in my soul that I rarely touched during the week and I just felt lonely, abandoned and inadequate. I fought to be better, lovelier and more loveable and instead came face to face with myself. All of it. I couldn't hide the pieces I didn't want anymore and holding them felt like burning my soul.

My heart echoed the hopelessness as I stared inside myself and knew that I had exhausted my resources and it was not enough. My soul knows the losing strength of step that came when one realizes there is something in the way- something bigger than me that was still part of me.

Who will roll away my stone? Who will help me find life anew? Who will love me when I feel so unlovable? How can I ever be enough?

You know what? Those ladies never developed super strength to roll away the stone. They didn't come up with a strategy or get together a band of super strong men to conquer it. Maybe they didn't even pray about it. They didn't roll the stone away. They couldn't.

But God took care of it.
The stone didn't disappear.
It just got moved out of the way.
And that ladies just had to put one foot in front of the other to get to the tomb. They didn't have to move the stone.

Ahhhh... grace.